TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely from area. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have An additional position wherever American Males can have on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: supply Absolutely everyone a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Great tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head visible from Place, a element getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not merely unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Characteristics


Probably the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Trump Tower Damascus Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "If You Bomb It, They can Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting interest from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll purchase 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree can even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge wherever my PTSD can have flip-down services."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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